I honestly can't wait to die.

Share your experiences and questions about OCD here. Discussions about any type of OCD is welcome, including sexual obsessions (like sexual orientation OCD, also called SO-OCD or HOCD).

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I honestly can't wait to die.

Postby messiahchatterbox » Wed Feb 15, 2017 8:33 pm

There's nothing in life for me anymore. I'm the exception, the black sheep and a lost cause in the HOCD category. These attractions, arousals, sensations, feelings and emotions are way too real to be HOCD. I wanna save up some money so I can hire someone for assisted suicide. I have no interest in women at all anymore. In fact, I feel a sense of repulsion when I think about it. I feel like I'm worse than blade tbh. I'm getting these emotions with one of my best friends in real life. I fucking hate it but do I really since all these thoughts feel like they're 100% coming from me?

This forum is dead but I hope it catches the eyes of DamnOcd, Onlythelonely, HocdStruggle, Musician, blade, depressed, looking_ahead and the rest I relate to the most.

I often fantasize about death. I feel like it's my only way out of being gay because I feel like I know I am. It's almost to the point where I don't even wanna say "I feel like"; since these emotions are so potent.

God, if you're real, which I doubt you are, I fucking hate you. You're the biggest piece of sh*t and I wish Satan would overrun your sh*t destination you call "Kingdom of Heaven".

Sorry if this offends anyone. I'm just absolutely fed up. I don't even think I'm living a life anymore.

-messiah
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Re: I honestly can't wait to die.

Postby depressed » Wed Feb 22, 2017 8:17 pm

Hi,
I check in on here every now and then but nobody seems to come on here anymore. I hear ya. I had a gay dream last night and woke up with a 3/4 hard erection. I was on the bus today and a guy stood up in frot of me and this caused a semi.

I basically have resigned myself to the fact I must be gay but I dont like it and only my straight adolescence is keeping me hanging onto the smallest thread of hope.
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Re: I honestly can't wait to die.

Postby mc1 » Mon Mar 06, 2017 12:27 am

Hey I still come on here now and again. It's not like the old brainphysics site from 2006-2010.
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Re: I honestly can't wait to die.

Postby jdg2120724 » Wed Sep 13, 2017 1:21 pm

Hi Messiah,
I am one of the new users that will be a moderator soon. I know you have probably heard that the forum is "up and running again" in the past, and it died down again. However, now we have a consistent schedule of 4 moderators that have their own day to check in to the forum. I hope you are doing better. We don't judge you for using that language, you have the right to be upset given the pain this is causing. How are you doing right now? There will be a more reliable and consistent presence on this forum from now on. We are here for you.

-Joc
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Re: I honestly can't wait to die.

Postby Zamyou » Fri Sep 15, 2017 4:00 pm

messiahchatterbox and depressed... i've seen you are feeling worse than most of the ppl here... perhaps you two should talk to each other and try to support one another.. it definitely would help both of you when you have someone you can relate to because your stories are very similar.. on a side note, i still think neither of you are gay and never have been gay... the vast majority of men arent 100% straight and just because you can get a reaction to males doesnt mean anything really !! I totally believe most people can but they dont have OCD so that doesnt come into the forefront of their life!
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Re: I honestly can't wait to die.

Postby depressed » Fri Sep 15, 2017 5:55 pm

Hi,
Hope everyone is doing better. I am still in the same situation. No improvement. Anxiety is down but still convinced I am gay and currently obsessing that I have a gay bdy type. I have wider hips and narrow shoulder like a pear shae or hourglass shape, I have the gay finger ratio too. I must have been exposed to female hormones in the womb.

I am convinced I was born gay but imposed a straight persona on myself and was a latent gay up to age 25. 10 years on and from my experience it doesnt get better. You just live with it and the years tick by. I feel less anxiety but still some and still obsess and question myself and get down on myself. My attraction to women is ZERO. I notice and looka t good looking girls but nothing. No excitement etc.. I see men or topless guys and my groin reacts in some way EVERY TIME. So I conclude I am gay.
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Re: I honestly can't wait to die.

Postby edt14001 » Sun Sep 17, 2017 4:23 pm

depressed,

How are you today? I am one of the new moderators that has been mentioned lately, and I will be on this forum at least once a week!

In regards to your most recent post, I want to encourage you with the fact that there is not a gay or straight body type, no matter what society says. Every person in the world is so unique, including our physical characteristics! We really can't tell a person's sexual preference by just looking at their shape or how long their fingers are. There are so many factors that influence how each and every one of us looks, but whether we like men or women or both is not one of those.

Again, I am so sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this for so long. I am definitely not a professional, so I would encourage you to seek out someone more qualified! There are many people dealing with similar anxieties (I'm sure you have connected with some of them on this forum), so you are not alone! Please feel free to reach out at any time; once again, we will be monitoring this site a lot more frequently!

-ET
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